My Heavy Metal Ratings System

My favorite critics always have something unique about how they review and rank films. One of my favorite online critics, Jeremy Jahns, doesn’t do rankings based on a numbered system or a letter grade, but rather uses rankings that he coined himself, such as, “Awesometacular”, or, “A good time, no alcohol required”.

Since I am an avid fan of heavy metal, I decided to involve my love of that music in how I review films. So here, from lowest to highest, I give you the Rockwell ratings system:

NU METAL

Because no one was ever TRULY impressed with Fred Durst.

 

NOT EVEN METAL

At least it’s not nu-metal!

 

ST ANGER

Some good moments, and that’s about it.

 

RAM IT DOWN... THE TOILET

I wouldn’t want to be this film’s turbo lover.

 

BLAIZE BAILEY

A disappointment in a nutshell.

 

NOT AS GOOD AS THEIR OLD STUFF

Don’t lie; you’ve said this about ALL of your favorite bands.

 

MID 90s THRASH

When you had to settle for Low while wishing for The Legacy.

 

PRETTY METAL

Friggin’ Slayer.

 

ROCK IN RIO

Every Maiden fan’s dream.

 

SHREDTASTIC

Frets on fire.

And the highest honor that I can give a work of art:

PUPPETS OF THE BEAST IN THE ABYSS

I don’t think that any more needs to be said about that one.

So there you have it; that’s my ratings system. I hope ya’ll enjoy the reviews, and don’t be afraid to let me know what you think.

-RJR

 

 

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Your go-to source for movie reviews from the best heavy metal guitarist in my apartment.

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